Tag Archives: Toilet paper

A case for the Paper………….

Humor, Uncategorized, , , ,

Midlife has it’s ups and downs.

One of my downs is sitting down about a hundred times a day to pee. This was even before my new healthy diet regimen.

My new diet requires me to drink half my body weight in water every day. I try to get this accomplished by lunchtime so that I’m not up all night in the loo. But during the day, I scout out ladies’ rooms as soon as I enter any establishment.

For some reason, I have now become the toilet paper goddess. Every where I go, and I go everywhere, the toilet paper roll beckons me to refill her. Initially, I thought this was a random event.

“Sure,” I thought out loud in a stall in Wegman’s grocery store one day, “you need a new roll!”

“No,” came the nervous reply from the next stall, “I’m fine, really.”

Oops. Talking out loud seems to be another phase of aging.

Then I noticed how deft I became at all kinds of different toilet paper delivery systems. It was like I was training to be a Navy Seal. I had to get the old roll off, the new roll unwrapped, slipped on the shaft, and snapped back into place, and unravel the glued end for use in record time. Pretty sure I was almost ready to take on an M16.

Actual Rolls Waiting for Me
Actual Rolls Waiting for Me

TP2 TP3

Eventually, it started to piss me off…pun intended.

Why oh why am I the only human being on this earth who knows how to change a roll of toilet paper? When I enter the stall and the paper is empty or one square is hanging on for dear life, I reflect on how it was just too much trouble for the last user to make this  effort for the next guest.

Okay. Fine.

Since part of my  new spiritual diet is being grateful, I decided to be grateful for every opportunity I have to make the next person’s ablutions an exceptional experience. I am grateful that there is in fact, another roll of toilet paper to be installed. I’m grateful that my bladder is working so well that I can discover a lavatory with internal radar from 50 feet.

I thought about giving up all these diets, but then who would be there to change the toilet paper?

“You Just have to Laugh….”

©Cathy Sikorski 2015

 

HALLOWEEN: A T-P game you never saw before

Caregivers, Humor, Medicare, Uncategorized, , , , , ,

As October winds its beautiful way into our crisply chilled hearts, all thoughts turn to Halloween. This time for treats and tricks invariably leads to someone, somewhere using toilet paper to wreak havoc on an unsuspecting neighbor.

I, too, have become a victim of what we used to call “t-peeing”, which did not mean peeing, but meant wickedly and with abandon tossing toilet paper all over the trees, yard, cars and driveways during the All Hallows Eve season. This was deemed hilarious by all evil teens and pre-teens, and a pain-in-the-ass to all middle aged development homeowners who had to clean it up, not to mention the WASTE OF TOILET PAPER. Oh the waste!!!

So you’re probably wondering how this could possibly relate to caregiving. No, I’m not cleaning up my yard from some over-achieving juvenile delinquent who started the season early. My 90 year-old Aunt just LOVES toilet paper. It meets all her needs.

Aunt J uses TP for just about everything, tissues substitute, cleaning rag substitute, hold-it-in-my-hand-in-case-I-need-it substitute. Next to a pocketbook, tissues may be the second coming of the Savior.

But the scariest use for TP has become, pads and Depends substitute. She just absolutely INSISTS that she must fill every area of her granny panties with extra toilet paper. So she puts on her panties (or rather I put them over her feet and pull them up halfway), we put TWO pads in the crotch to line them against all accidents, AND THEN SHE ATTACKS. She unwinds that toilet paper like Christmas lights until the strand is long enough to circumvent the globe….and that’s ONE section for the front. Then she does the same for a section for the back.

Now I am certainly all for cleanliness, fresh smelling people, lovely scented perfumes, and armpits dusted with powdery smells ( I direct you to Cleanliness is Next to Godliness)but it seems to me that two or three pads, or Depends plus pads is really sufficient to meet her needs. And since I have become intimately aware of her needs, I can assure you the use of two or three strategically placed pads in those cocoon size panties are plenty.

But it’s the waste. I am going through 25 to 28 rolls of toilet paper every two weeks. And it’s the good stuff, Mr. Whipple would nominate me for an award or at least give me stock in Procter and Gamble. I don’t have time to squeeze the Charmin’, it flies off the roll like blowing a dandelion to the wind.

So finally, I entrust this dilemma to my Mom. A contemporary of Aunt J. She tells her , “NO more toilet paper, these Depends are fine.” And that’s enough. Waste is over. One Depression baby to another…..”stop wasting”…..problem solved.

You just have to laugh…….

Cathy Sikorski