Tag Archives: Mother-of-the-bride

Tips from the MOB…………..

Humor, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , ,

So we are down to about 10 days until my daughter’s wedding.

Dieting to stay in just the right shape may kill us all. My husband couldn’t help himself, he just had to go get a WAWA hoagie. He had his first good night’s sleep in 2 weeks.

We aren’t starving, we have plenty of good, healthy, clean food to eat. We’re just bored to tears. And now that the bride has moved in with us for the last two weeks, it’s like living with the Warden. We have to be supportive of her healthy lifestyle…..or we’re put on hard labor, which we have to do anyway by going to the gym every day.

This is my piece. What are you having?
This is my piece. What are you having?

But man, I think that wedding might find quite a few people hiding in corners, the ladies room, and the cloak room, not having illicit sex, but illicit cake!

And although most of the womenfolk seem to have gotten their foundations under control, there are still a few debates about last minute things like strapless bras, pantyhose or no pantyhose and when to change from high heels to flip flops.

In the interest of giving Mother-of-the-Bride tips to MOBs and FOB :

Bra

Tip Number One: If you need to have a low back bra buy one of these. But here’s the trick.

Undo the top 2 or 3 hooks and fold them under. No one can see it and you still have the support you need. And for those guys out there who think this tip is not for you. Au contraire…You need to practice hooking and unhooking, especially if  you plan to drink, a lot. You must become deft at this while swaying back and forth, otherwise your femme fatale may suffer shortness of breath, crushed inner organs and rib damage. When she says, “Get it off!” that’s what she means. FYI. Then, you both can enjoy your drunken stupor.

Tip Number Two: If you are struggling with whether or not to wear pantyhose, buy these.

PantyhoseI have no idea if these pantyhose are magical, but at $49.00 a pair, when the average pair of really good pantyhose can be under $10.00, well it must be because you will look like this under your dress. And since you, and only you, will know how bangin’ you’re looking, well that confidence boost is totally worth $49 on your daughter’s wedding day.

MOB Shoes

Tip Number Three: Stilettos. These are my actual shoes. I’m the shortest one in my family now. My daughters have surpassed me long ago. So in order to look like I belong to these tall people in pictures that last forever, I bought these escalators. I love them. They’re sparkly. They make me tall. They seem comfortable for the five minutes I’ve worn them to have my dress hemmed. And I am absolutely positive that after one dance, I’m going to be screaming for mercy. So pack the flip-flops, gals. Balancing on a sugar high, an alcohol wave, a tsunami of emotions, and three inch heels, I figure I’ll need to drop it low as soon as possible. In my shoes, I mean, in my shoes. Bring the flip-flops, you really won’t regret it.

Tip Number Four: When you finally realize that the only thing you are there to do is support your beautiful daughter and her wonderful groom on their special day, so you might as well let your hair down (literally, if you need to), just have fun. And know that nobody is actually looking at you anyway, they are having their own private battles with their undergarments and crazy ass shoes.

So for the first time in three years of blogging, I’m taking a week off to enjoy my daughter’s wedding…..see you in two weeks.  And please don’t ever forget…………….

“You Just Have to Laugh…..”

©2016 Cathy Sikorski

Oh, if Only I could find the right Foundation…..

Humor, Uncategorized, , , , , , ,

So my eldest daughter is getting married in a few weeks. Yikes! Even saying that sends me in to labored breathing, a cold sweat and a mini panic attack. It’s the real deal wedding, and there’s a billion things to do.

Every day my ‘team’ of bridesmaids and whoever else I have managed to wrangle into this process, works on some crazy task that has to be completed by W-Day!

Over the weekend, my youngest daughter came home from the big city to get her maid of honor dress altered and help me find the proper foundation for my dress.

Yes, I don’t care what kind of dress you buy as the mother-of-the-bride, it requires the proper foundation. You can make sure every sin of your past 50 years is covered, ruched, sleeved,or enlaced, and you will still need to tuck, smooth, pucker and lift to get the fit that will be photographed from every possible non-flattering angle that any videographer, photographer, selfie freak and snapchat bitch twerking around you on the dance floor can catch at just the wrong moment.

Unless you have already done this, you have no idea how MANY choices of foundations there are on the internet, the department store and the black market for super secret coverage. But this is the thing, you either have to buy all these non-returnable undergarments, or cart this gown with  you to every dressing room in the tri-state area to take off all your clothes, put on a gown that goes over your head, weighs 10 pounds itself and then push and tuck and rearrange all the floppy, sloppy parts that you are trying to camouflage for just one day.

Eureka!  I find the magic solution to the problem areas I continue to encounter with each new failed undergarment. It’s a bra with clear sticky sides but no actual hook in the back. This foundation will not show through any lace, conflict with a low back or cause the proverbial ‘nip slip’ that a young Janet Jackson made so famous and would be cause for intense psychotherapy for all our wedding guests as something they could never ‘unsee.’

I get the bra adjusted, with my daughter’s help, I get her to zip up the side zipper on the gown. I see a bit of a look of horror on my daughter’s face, thinking: “She can’t believe how good I look in this dress!”

Then I look in the mirror.

I now have four boobs.

Two  that I’m pretty sure I own, and two that come in the lining of the dress. Since the dress has a side zipper, I can’t reach down the neckline of the dress to pull up the bra and settle it in behind the lining of the dress. My daughter pulls down the zipper and tries to reach in from the side, as I try and do the same. But with four boobs and two hands we just can’t get enough leverage to lift and separate like the happy old days of yore and Playtex.

Besides, four boobs is comical. Not like Wonder Woman, more like crazy Lucy and Ethel in a dressing room comical. And were are laughing so hard the tears are rolling down our faces…but I do not want tears of tragedy or comedy on this dress. So I get it off as quickly as I can.

I won’t lie. I tried the dress without a foundation. The only thing that did was show me that life is not worth living without a good foundation.

The dress and I are hitting the road, no not for a comedy show, to hopefully make it work baby, just in time for W-day! Wish me luck and keep laughing, kids!

“You Just have to Laugh…..”

©2016 Cathy Sikorski

It’s gettin’ hot in here. So take off all your clothes……

Humor, Uncategorized, , , , , , ,

I’ve been so entrenched in caregiving, I decided I needed a girl’s day out. So I went out, all by myself. I need to find a mother-of-the -bride dress, because well, I’m the mother-of-the-bride.

My friends insisted I try to find a gown at  Neiman Marcus. This store is ridiculous. On my way to the evening gown department,  I walked by a “SALE” table loaded with purses. The sale was 50% off, as marked on the price tag. The first tiny clutch I picked up off the table is on sale for $2500.00 TWO THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS! Hmmm. Might be out of my league here.

But my sister bought her mother-of-the-bride dress here and the price was well within all the other places we had gone to. I forged ahead to the snooty, fancy-pants evening gown High Heelsdepartment, which was right next to the shoe department where the Christian Louboutins snuggled every so comfortably next to the Jimmy Choos. Not a pair was under $600.

But, okay. I would not be stopped. I found a few gowns to try. I couldn’t find a salesgirl to save my life. So I stood outside the locked dressing room, struggling to hold these expensive, voluminous gowns while praying someone would come to my rescue.

Finally, a sales person shows up, ever so happily puts me in a dressing room and comments as she leaves. “Oh, I don’t think you want to try on THAT dress, it’s cut way too low in the back.” All that did was piss me off, and I said, “No, I want to try it on anyway.”

I swear to God, there isn’t one damn item in this store for less than $100, and now in the dead of August, when it is over 90 degrees outside, these dressing rooms are NOT air-conditioned. What, they can’t afford the electricity? I’m sweating profusely while taking off my clothes. Now, I’m going to try and put on slinky gowns that stick to me in every possible crevice. It’s hotter than the hinges of hell in here.

Many minutes go by and no one comes by to help me. I peek out of my dressing room completely unzipped and there’s a man chatting with a woman about the Jimmy Choo’s she’s trying on in the dressing room.

First, why is there a man back here, when we are in various stages of undress?  Why isn’t there anyone to help me zip up a $700 gown. And why is it so damn hot in here?

I struggle in and out of a few dresses…nary a sales person in sight, except for the conversation I’m hearing in the next dressing room.

The man and woman are discussing how adorable the shoes are that she is trying on. THEY have a sales woman who is bringing them different sizes of shoes, in the dressing room. Is it me, or is that weird? Go to the damn shoe department, and take that cursed man with you.

And then I hear why I’m getting no help.

She: “So we have about 10 grand in shoes here.”

He: “Yeah, that seems right.”

She: “Well, we have four grand in clothes, so we’re right where we want to be with that.”

He: “Yeah. So the shoes should be okay.”

gown 1Why would anyone help little old me with just a $700 gown?

I’m pretty sure those two had their own air conditioner in their dressing room.

“You Just have to Laugh…..”

©2015 Cathy Sikorski