So my eldest daughter is getting married in a few weeks. Yikes! Even saying that sends me in to labored breathing, a cold sweat and a mini panic attack. It’s the real deal wedding, and there’s a billion things to do.
Every day my ‘team’ of bridesmaids and whoever else I have managed to wrangle into this process, works on some crazy task that has to be completed by W-Day!
Over the weekend, my youngest daughter came home from the big city to get her maid of honor dress altered and help me find the proper foundation for my dress.
Yes, I don’t care what kind of dress you buy as the mother-of-the-bride, it requires the proper foundation. You can make sure every sin of your past 50 years is covered, ruched, sleeved,or enlaced, and you will still need to tuck, smooth, pucker and lift to get the fit that will be photographed from every possible non-flattering angle that any videographer, photographer, selfie freak and snapchat bitch twerking around you on the dance floor can catch at just the wrong moment.
Unless you have already done this, you have no idea how MANY choices of foundations there are on the internet, the department store and the black market for super secret coverage. But this is the thing, you either have to buy all these non-returnable undergarments, or cart this gown with you to every dressing room in the tri-state area to take off all your clothes, put on a gown that goes over your head, weighs 10 pounds itself and then push and tuck and rearrange all the floppy, sloppy parts that you are trying to camouflage for just one day.
Eureka! I find the magic solution to the problem areas I continue to encounter with each new failed undergarment. It’s a bra with clear sticky sides but no actual hook in the back. This foundation will not show through any lace, conflict with a low back or cause the proverbial ‘nip slip’ that a young Janet Jackson made so famous and would be cause for intense psychotherapy for all our wedding guests as something they could never ‘unsee.’
I get the bra adjusted, with my daughter’s help, I get her to zip up the side zipper on the gown. I see a bit of a look of horror on my daughter’s face, thinking: “She can’t believe how good I look in this dress!”
Then I look in the mirror.
I now have four boobs.
Two that I’m pretty sure I own, and two that come in the lining of the dress. Since the dress has a side zipper, I can’t reach down the neckline of the dress to pull up the bra and settle it in behind the lining of the dress. My daughter pulls down the zipper and tries to reach in from the side, as I try and do the same. But with four boobs and two hands we just can’t get enough leverage to lift and separate like the happy old days of yore and Playtex.
Besides, four boobs is comical. Not like Wonder Woman, more like crazy Lucy and Ethel in a dressing room comical. And were are laughing so hard the tears are rolling down our faces…but I do not want tears of tragedy or comedy on this dress. So I get it off as quickly as I can.
I won’t lie. I tried the dress without a foundation. The only thing that did was show me that life is not worth living without a good foundation.
The dress and I are hitting the road, no not for a comedy show, to hopefully make it work baby, just in time for W-day! Wish me luck and keep laughing, kids!
“You Just have to Laugh…..”
©2016 Cathy Sikorski
LOL! To be in the dressing room when this all was happening! Priceless! Enjoy the special wedding of your daughter!
Thanks, Cath! So good to see you back on the internet. Looking forward to seeing you soon!
Enjoy your wedding festivities!!! Exciting time!!!
Ok, cuz… Here I go! Would you P- lease!! Just stop already?? Alright ?? Jesus, Mary and Joseph- you are fantastic and look fantastic as the ” mother of the bride!” Jimeney Crickets are you kidding me ?? Stop being so critical and analytical at this in life and time. Ok, I get the videographer, photographer and every snapchat, Instagram and selfie out there on wedding day; however, You look great, feel gear and are great!! Enough said !!! Enjoy the moment and the time and the event cuz!! Love you and your humor ! Michele
I adore you my dear cousin, but truly I just like to laugh at life and myself….there’s no real psychosis here, well, just a bit perhaps, but only for comedic purposes!
oh yes the Spanx… !!!
Tell Marion that sometimes I think Spanx should be outlawed as torture devices!
Over the top, girl! Utterly hilarious!! Uh. Also, good luck.
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Thanks, Karen for the laugh and the good luck!
I really don’t understand why they don’t design dresses with the appropriate foundation, seriously how hard would that be.
Congratulations on your your daughters wedding, it will be beautiful.
Thanks, Doreen. And by the way, YES…why is that so damn hard. They design the damn dress, knowing full well that anyone will need something…..ugh.
Congratulations on your daughter’s marriage! 🙂
Thanks, Laurie!
Dear Cathy,
LOL as always. Did you sing that Barb Streisand song?
I know you will be love, because you are Beautiful inside and out!. Everything will be perfect. We might notice 4 boobs, but will they be in your dress? Of this, we will blame on too much caregiving. Or will the 4 be guests at the wedding? You can’t control it all!
Know it and you will be gorgeous!
Love Beth
OMG, I had no idea you were having so much trouble, or so much fun!
Cathy dear friend your pain is mine because I also have that job to do. I just can’t face it yet but worse still is finding the right shoes. Shoes come in every shape size and colour but just not in the exact colour i want. So it looks like the big day will arrive with two glamorous Mums with all their floppy bits showing and one actually barefoot. So all the wonderful quests will JUST HAVE TO LAUGH.
HAHAHA. Oh my darling Marian….and so it’s true, I didn’t even GET to shoes!!! The menfolk have it so easy don’t they. Well, as long as I have a beautiful mother-of-the-groom next to me with her grand heart and kind and caring soul, the rest of them can just laugh away….we are the winners here!!!
Haha! You know I am two steps behind you. Just starting to try on dresses and realizing that foundations are my friend. Any recommendations for me?
I am going out today, Helene and if not successful I’m going to the Internet Machine and make sure it’s returnable. I will revisit this before March 18th, W-DAY!!!
Oh how I wish I had been in that dressing room. Too funny, but I know how you feel. When I put on my Spanx slip I may look better, but I feel like I can’t move. Good luck on your hunt.
Yes you would have enjoyed the moment, trust me!! Spanx is definitely one of those good news, bad news things!!!!
you have me laughing. i do remember Marion and I going thru this. when my son got marry 2 years ago. from the under garments and dress, to the suit and tie. oh yes. we laughed a lot. two people trying to hid the years of our age. love you Cathy. you made my day!!!! smiles!!!!!!!
Yes, Jerome, the parents of the bride and groom KNOW how many pictures are being taken and that they are forever!!!! Thanks for seeing the funny side with me!