Maybe this is a good time to check out a multi-cultural event on the topic of Resilience. I am so honored to be selected to participate in this event. It’s the first time the Toronto, Canada event must go virtual so it will be exciting. I have also wanted to participate in this amazing Speaker Slam and if you want to watch, I would love to have you there! Discounted tickets through today. Love you all.

I’m TRYING.  I don’t even know what to say these days. I will tell you that things that used to be annoying are starting to make me laugh…sometimes uncontrollably. Uh, maybe it’s just hysteria or the need to laugh instead of tear up.

The usual for everyone, my hair, my boring food, my nails, my eyebrows, my boring conversations….with myself, my sweatsuits, my yoga pants, my college t-shirts, my mismatched socks, my mustache, my diet, my un-cleaned out closets, my husband, my mother, my kids, my blog, my email, my Zooming, my Facebook page, my Twitter, my friends, my “friends,” my toenails, my hairy legs, my dry skin, my oh my, oh my.

So for you, I hope you get at least a smile……..

Technology has now become essential to our well-being, right? After all, this is how we are staying in touch and trying desperately to keep the loneliness at bay. Not to mention meeting, after meeting, after meeting on Zoom. So now everyone needs to embrace more technology just to keep going.

My 91-year-old Mom is no exception. She begrudgingly engages with her smartphone and computer so that she can stay up-to-date, see photos of her tribe of grandchildren and great-grandchildren, and yes, keep in touch with her friends who have also become self-taught IT people.

I am beyond proud of her continuing efforts, resilience, and brilliance in a world that wants to race past her at lightning speed, where she says, “whoa, Nellie! Hold on there, I’m not giving up!” And she does not.

A couple of weeks ago we had to add on-line banking to her list of chores. We held off for as long as humanly possible, but with no access to tellers, she really wanted more access to what was going on in her accounts. This is smart and I applaud her moxie. Yes, I said moxie.

I managed to get her set-up pretty quickly, but first, the bank said: “Whoa Nellie! You need to make this damn secure!” A concept we are all in favor of, n’est-ces pas? (I forgot to put my French classes up in that godforsaken list up there).

In order to maximize safety, my mom had to utilize four security questions to protect her account access. Four. Four is a lot of security in my mom’s mind. This is how it went:

Me: “Mom, you need to set up some security questions.”

Mom: “Okay, what are the questions?”

Me: “Well, let’s see. Here are some examples: “:

1. What is the first and last name of your kindergarten teacher:

Mom: “Uh, there was no kindergarten for me in 1933. Next!”

Me: “Okay, look we can make up a question. How about this: Where did Margaret first live? ”

Mom: “Where?”

Me: “What do you mean, ‘where?’ That’s the question.”

Mom: “What’s the question?”

Me: “Your mom, Margaret. Where did she first live? ”

Mom: “Where? ”

With tears of laughter running down our cheeks, it took us an hour to come up with four questions and answers that didn’t sound like “who’s on first?”

This is where technology will take you, my friends. And let me tell you my Mom deserves a gold medal for refusing to give up. Imagine what it will be like when we are nonagenarians:

My kid: “Mom just tell the super-duper micro coffee make to ‘brew coffee!'”

Me: “I’ve been telling that damn thing to make coffee for two hours now! It just stares at me with all it’s lights and touchpads and sexy red dress and says, “I don’t understand what you want.” I’ll tell you what I want, I want my old coffee pot and a damn cup of coffee!”

My kid: “Mom, you have to say ‘BREW COFFEE’  not I want a damn cup of coffee.”

Me: Oh. Never mind.

“You just have to Laugh……even in a lockdown…….please, just keep laughing, it’s important.

©2020 Cathy Sikorski

I have the privilege of knowing so many wonderful people in the caregiving space and I would like to introduce you to them on a regular basis. My new series:  Be Our Guest! starts today with Lorri Bernstein. Lorri is a Senior Living Specialist in Pennsylvania. I’ll let her tell you about her work and how perhaps she can help you or someone you know! Be nice to Lorri…this is her first blog post! Welcome, Lorri!

In my years working as a Social Worker and in Senior Living, I have seen most of the ways that aging can affect us. Some aspects are sweet like the appreciation and enjoyment we build for simple human connections. Others take away our sense of independence, digity or have us clinging on to memories of the past.

While I relish the sweet aspects of aging, it is in spending time and connecting with seniors who find themselves in the dark spaces, that I find the special gifts of each person.

In 2018, I went to the home of a client, we will call her “Mrs. Z”. It was a beautiful Old-English style house in Philadelphia, a complete semblance of the inside where every inch of space was stacked floor to ceiling with Mrs. Z’ troves of the past. We spent hours going through each item, doing as what people call nowadays, a total Marie Kondo. Each item had an identity, but most did not directly relate to her own story. After days of cleaning out the house, we identified which treasures had the most value; I learned the stories behind each valuable, and Mrs. Z lightened her load. She was ready for the next chapter and finally looked forward to something new.

I value the time I spend with my clients, whatever this entails, whether cleaning out their homes, helping them schedule doctor appointments, coffee runs, facility tours or grocery shopping. Just the other day, I was helping a client pick up groceries. At the end of our trip, she said it was the best day of her year because she loved our conversations and that the groceries were just a reason to get in touch. Others, like this client and Mrs. Z, still hold an exuberance for life, but seek people with whom they can share it. It warms my heart that clients share their stories with me, but I am even more fulfilled when I can help them find their next chapter.

When I went to visit Mrs. Z at her new senior community home, I saw a shining transformation: she was making new friends and partaking in new hobbies that she never before thought of trying. Other clients told me how moving to a community brought them new friends, new conversations, and a revitalized outlook on life. It is because of this impact that I continue through Senior Living Specialists to ally and support members of our community to find involvement and care at an older age.

It is often hard to decide what is best for the future whether it relates to our aging selves or someone we love, but having a shoulder to lean on and the right information to make informed decisions enables us to build the best case scenario for the future – even during a time of crisis. I have years of developed expertise to answer your questions and help each family determine the best next steps. However, that is just the technical side of my job. The beauty in my work comes from the lasting relationships I build with each person and the efflorescence of each loved senior rediscovering themselves in a new home.

Lorri Bernstein, MSW

Senior Living Specialists

717.648.6319 lorri@seniorlivingspecialistsphilly.com

www.SeniorLivingSpecialistsPhilly.com

Who isn’t trying to take the high road these days? I think most of us are, just by getting out of bed. The fact that I live with someone is a very good thing. I wonder how my days would unwind if there was no one here watching me. Yes, I said watching me. But it isn’t my husband who is watching me. It’s me watching my husband who I think is watching me.

As complex as that sounds, I know you get it. We create a false narrative that arises from the Catholic-school-guilt or the My-mom-is-a-Depression-Era-baby-guilt or the If-I’m-not-productive-I’m-a-slug-guilt. In my case, it’s the “my-husband-is-around-here-somewhere- so-I-better-look-like-I’m-doing-something”….story.

I convinced myself this was just all in my head. That he didn’t really mind that the laundry was in the baskets for three weeks because I’m wearing the same fuzzy Harry Potter Pajamas most days. That he didn’t really mind the notebooks in every room in the house because I pick up a pen and write when the spirit moves….which could be any hour of any day. That the guest room is now my other other extra room to hide-in, hoard-in, hibernate-in at designated nap time every, single damn day.

This morning, as we were waking to the birds singing in the trees, the wind blowing the pink dogwood petals softly to the ground, the sun peeking out through the high branches of the tulip poplars. My husband whispered to me for the first time in 35 years: “Your hair smells good!”

So…………I guess he does notice. Showering might be a new rule. It was an old rule but somehow got lost in the coronashuffle.

In the alternative, I have noticed that my husband works very hard to stay out of my hair. He is retired. So there’s no working from home during the pandemic for him. He is free to create his own world within the confines of our house, yard, driveway, and mailbox. Picking up sticks is one of his fortes this spring. He is definitely running out of ideas. And I won’t tell a lie. I like being in my workspace with no one around. I’ve been working from home for eons, this new normal with someone else here 24-7 isn’t my favorite. Again, my own mentality, but I spend a lot of time in my own head. No one else wants to be there, trust me.

So there was a bit of hope in the news yesterday.

Tomorrow the golf courses are opening in our state with very strict regulations. And mine are even stricter. Basically, I read the rules for golf course opening and was pretty surprised, in a good way. Only one man to a cart, no touching the flagstick, the ball will not fall into the hole, only handling your own clubs, staying 6 feet or more apart from all other players at all times, and lots of sanitizing, lots and lots of sanitizing. So, it sounds like a walk in the park. Which is what we have been doing occasionally, anyway…walking in the park. But boys will be boys. I’m sorry, they are knuckleheads. They take pride in their knuckleheadedness. So I have one strict rule which was to be the title of this blog, but I thought better of it.

Cathy’s Rule for Coronagolf:

I had to tell my husband: “You are not allowed to touch your friends’ balls.”

“You Just have to Laugh…………..and stick to the rules.”

©Cathy Sikorski 2020

We should all be keeping a journal about this historic time. I must have four or five blank or half-filled journals around here, but haven’t begun nary a one. I keep telling myself that my granddaughter and all those grandkids-to-be are going to be so pissed off when they find out their Nonna, a writer and speaker, couldn’t be bothered to write down the details about the most historic time ever.

I know this because my Nana was 19 when the Spanish Flu hit and we live one hour outside of Philly. Philly was allegedly the epicenter of that worldwide disaster. Nana never once told us a story about the pandemic. And now I’m pissed. I asked my mom for a few tidbits, which she had but that was it.

So I wish for you to share with me your epic fails during this time. Yes, it’s selfish. It will make me feel better. I am going to do the same for you. And then I will get out my journal with either the black cover for a Black Plague sort of feel, or the prettiest cover for the “this is how we kept sane and happy,” sort of take on this. I have not yet decided. You may feel free to weigh in on the cover choice as well.

Here are my:

Epic Fails

1. Writing this crazy crap down
2. Cleaning out just ONE thing—just one–nope
   • Including but not limited to:
     • Closets
     • Linen Closets
     • Makeup Drawers
     • Junk Drawers
     • Kids’ (who have apartments, houses, children, and closets of their own) closets and bedrooms
     • Utensil drawers
     • Kitchen cabinets including Pantries
     • Offices
     • Basements
3. Making a schedule–except for naps, haven’t missed one yet (seems wrong to count that as a positive)
4. Remembering to pull something out of the freezer before actual dinner time (how is this a problem….you aren’t going anywhere, you pass the freezer to the microwave  18 times to warm your coffee before lunch)
5. Cleaning (wiping down the groceries does not count)
6. Wearing a full nice outfit (yes, I too cheat on the pants)
7. Continuing that great flossing routine you finally achieved (why? My dentist canceled. I’ll show him)
8. Hanging up coats
9. Gardening of any kind
10. Working my biceps and triceps to failure (this I am told by my trainer is a good thing, but it counts as a failure so I’m giving myself points)

This seems like to good place to start a Covidiary. It makes me look human and then my grandkids can feel sorry for me that I had so much to do that I couldn’t even get to the simplest tasks even during a quarantine.

I will, in the alternative take ALL your successes. It may spur on others to get a move on. Based on the last four weeks, I doubt it will have much motivational pull on me. But you are welcome to try and I will read every suggestion and respond accordingly. Suggest at your own peril.

Remember, as in exercise: Failure is Success!

Stay healthy, stay happy, stay safe my friends!

“You Just have to Laugh………………. and fail, cause it’s a fine time to fail!”

©2020 Cathy Sikorski

No, I’m not going to tell you to get up from the couch. I’m sitting there now. Who am I to judge?!? This is a different do it, but a just do it, nonetheless.

Here is my reminder.  And if you’ve already done it, share this with someone. I’m pretty sure you know people who need a reminder. Below the video is a gift from a Pennsylvania Law firm if you are a PA resident …..take it, share it, but get on it. We are all here to help.

From Julieanne Steinbacher, Esq. and her law firm:

https://www.paeldercounsel.com/healthcare-poa-form?view=form

I am all over the place, well in my house, like the bathroom, the living room, the kitchen/dining room, the other bathroom, the powder room (which is technically the other other bathroom). All of a sudden, ‘open-concept’ living is a nightmare. There are only two of us here, but I recall at Christmastime when there were seven people living here that there was nowhere to hide. I can’t imagine what all the open-concept families are doing right now.

Remember when there was an adequate living room, with a wall. Then a dining room, with a wall. Then a family room with a wall. We thought that was a bad idea. Who knew pandemic living would make us yearn for the small, divided spaces of yesteryear? I know you are thinking the same thing I am. How do I go to my separate corner when we took all the dividers and corners away? I mean, I was wondering this for my dear Millennials when they made picnic tables de rigueur  (I’m practicing my French!) for office space. What happened to privacy in business? How does one give or take a verbal whoopin’ if everyone is listening? Perhaps verbal whoopins are no longer de rigueur in an office., What do I know, I work from home?

I’m certain I am on to something. Being in the same room with everyone, all the time, which in my case is just one other person, is embarrassing. I mean, how does one quietly open the bag of chocolate chips or even the cupboard to the chocolate chips without hearing: “wacha’ doin’ in there?” How does one make secret phone calls to their mom, sister, grown child, granddaughter, girlfriends, or the liquor store? Okay, I’ll say it, how does one fart for goodness sake, when there is nowhere to hide?

It’s worse than that. It’s the feeling of being watched 24-7. Or being the watcher. Did I hear a cough? Did someone go outside? And a new favorite phrase from everyone’s lips: You’re doing it wrong! You know you’ve thought it a hundred thousand times in the last three weeks, but now you’re actually saying it out loud. Mostly because you don’t know what you’re saying out loud, except for hearing the echo in the lovely open-concept cathedral ceiling room which we all now regret with every fiber of our being.

I have taken the liberty to sit in the privacy of my powder room and come up with a few suggestions:

1. Find a flashlight and use it in a laundry room, garage, interior powder room or interior bedroom with the door closed and all lights off to create the appearance of unused space to take care of any private business you may have.
2. Embrace the open concept living for you and lock some people outside to play. That’s what my mom and Nana used to do and it seemed effective at the time. Who knows maybe Nana remembered it from 1918-1919 or thereabouts.
3. Be open-minded enough to realize that others could be doing it right, or just differently. This is where you may learn new skills.
4. Treat every single day as a time and a place for laughter. It’s there, boy oh boy is it. As I’m typing this my electricity went out with a 30-second wind storm that ran through Pennsylvania. See? Pretty sure my Nana is guffawing up there in heaven right now!

Just know, you’re not doing it wrong. None of us are. We have no idea what we’re doing.  You’re doing it fine. If you are staying kind, fed, watered, entertained and as sane as possible, you are doing it right. We are all doing it right. Every day. And congratulations for that!

And don’t forget. Please, never forget…

You Just have to Laugh………………and find privacy, lots of privacy.

©2020 Cathy Sikorski

If there is anything that’s driving us all crazy right now, it’s money, which does seem a bit nuts since our health should be the first order of business.

But let’s be honest. As much as we are trying our best to stay healthy (I know you’re washing your hands that now feel like sandpaper, you’re staying home as much as you can and wondering why you chose these people as your cellmates), many of us are a bit consternated about the cash.

So, in the spirit of caregiving, which started this whole blog and caring for all my caregivers out there, I want to show you something that might help.

Below is a copy of a caregiver’s agreement. This is a way for you to get paid while taking care of your grandma, your uncle, your neighbor who has no one else, or your mother-in-law. I know. I know. You don’t want to be opportunistic at a time like this. But here’s the thing. I recently read from the great Seth Godin, this may not be the time for giving all you have away for free. I am certain most of you are giving of your time and perhaps money right now to very good and necessary causes. That is commendable in every way. But for those of you who are caregiving and have now become jobless. This is something you should consider, especially if the one you care for can afford your services.

It doesn’t matter that you have been caring for free up until now. It doesn’t matter that you are related to this person. What matters now is that we all hold our heads above water, that we all help each other stay less anxious, and that we all work to keep the ship aright. And so I say, if that means, even temporarily you institute a caregiving agreement that allows for the caregiver to be paid, you should do so and do so now.

There are a million scenarios where this makes sense:

• Someone has lost their paid caregiver and you are now at home with your caree to help….. but you are working from home
• Your loved one needs care but you don’t want them to be around others who can’t quarantine so you are keeping them with you
• You have been in charge of their care, but now you are the caregiver
• Someone has just newly needed care and you cannot find care, or you want to protect them
• Your spouse has lost her/his job and you have been a stay-at-home unpaid caregiver and need to be paid now to keep a roof over everyone’s head, including the caree

And the list really could be endless. The second part of Seth Godin’s blog said this:

Gifts create connection and possibility, but not all gifts have monetary value. In fact, some of the most important gifts involve time, effort and care instead.

AND THEN THIS:

In this moment when we’re so disconnected and afraid, the answer might not be a freebie. That might simply push us further apart. The answer might be showing up to do the difficult work of connection, of caring and of extending ourselves where it’s not expected.

He literally said, caring. If ever there was a time to help unpaid caregivers get paid, this is it. I have put the agreement here, click on the red words below. If you want me to email you a copy, just send me a message at cathy.sikorski@gmail.com and I will send you a copy.

caregiver-contract

Stay healthy, stay safe and believe it or not, stay laughing!

Or…….Do I stay or Do I go?

Eventually, we will all have to venture to the grocery store, either for ourselves or for someone we want to protect. My mom is 91. She’s not going to any grocery store. Luckily, she fell right before Corona and can’t drive right now. I know. I know. Who says. “luckily, my dear old mom fell”? I do. She even called me out on it. “You’re happy I fell, now I can’t go anywhere!” What, I say,  would be the point in denying it?

My husband has been forbidden from grocery shopping as well. You might think it is because he falls in the ‘elderly’ category, or because he has high blood pressure. No. It’s because he buys too many snacks. I can’t control myself and I’m determined to keep the Corona 15 from showing up on my scale.

My master plan was to go at 6:00 AM during old-lady shopping hours. I also deduced that Wednesday might be the best day since Monday was the day after the weekend, Tuesday was re-stock day and by Wednesday everyone would be sick of shopping.

I was pretty ecstatic when I arrived in the parking lot and there were only a handful of cars parked socially distanced apart. And yes, the store only had two customers and just a dozen dedicated workers. So far, so good. I went right to the dreaded paper products aisle and scored the only package of Bounty, two containers of Clorox wipes, and the sole package of toilet paper, which was store-brand organic. I suspected with that label it might just be tree bark, but it was on my mom’s list, so que sera sera. (you’re thinking you’re glad she’s not my daughter!).

I then proceeded to buy hundreds of dollars of groceries for my mom, myself and a few things for my friend whose husband was coming home from the hospital that day after emergency brain surgery. My cart looked like Santa’s sleigh and my thighs were screaming for mercy from the workout (this should be an upside). I commandeered another cart at checkout to even the load.

After depositing around 300 bags of groceries into my SUV, I actually went back in with a small cart to get my mom’s over the counter protein shakes, which she needs for her injury, not her workout routine. I got a few more missed items that wouldn’t fit in the original cart and just at that magical moment, the wine section opened and I purchased my rationed allotment of 2 reds and 2 whites. A girl’s gotta’ do some self-care.

I reveled in my triumphant return to the SUV. Took off my disposable gloves, wiped disinfectant all over the car, put my keys in the ignition…..and nothing. Nothing. My car was dead. Dead, dead, dead. No amount of tears, kicking, screaming or sweet talk would revive her. Here I sat, after two hours traipsing around the store, now with 300 and 5 bags of groceries and no way to get out of the parking lot.

I called my better half and a tow truck. My husband and I proceeded to re-load his care with every single bag of groceries. I eyed the tow truck for space in case we needed it as well.  The wine, however, was staying with me at all costs. Two more hours later, after wiping every single package down and re-packing and delivering said groceries, I enjoyed the best glass of wine I may have ever tasted.

So, here is a question I ask all of you for grocery-shopping-in-the-time-of-corona: Is it better to go once every 2 weeks or so and be in there for 2 hours, touching a million things and being around others? Or, is it better to go in a few times a week for 20 minutes, get the few things you need and get out? I really can’t decide.

What I can tell you is that with all of our liquor stores shuttered, the few times a week is looking better and better.

“You Just have to Laugh…………and stay safe………………”

©2020 Cathy Sikorski